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Kro Tennyson 2099

So I’ve been sitting on this email in the Geeky Tattoos inbox, wondering if I should post it or not. So what the hell, here you go. If you’re offended by language, you may not want to read the following, which is a copy and paste of the uncensored email I received with the above tattoos. I just can’t not share this with everyone:

Hello, my name is Kro Tennyson 2099, but you can feel free to refer to me as Kro Tennyson 2099 :) I am just your average, dimension traveler. I spend my spare time training to be a Plumber via my grandfather. No, not like an Italian we all know, more like a little boy in a camper. I have dropped the heaviest quarters this side of the Nullvoid just to show the kids at the arcade I am NOT fucking around. I have frenched Zelda, Chell, and Samus simultaneously just for a MySpace photo. I have even killed the Rocketeer. I rock a gold, LOZ N64. I only play cool games, and have never taken a kill shot. You can check that shit, I implore you. My friends and I usually pop handfuls of substance d, and trip for hours. One time my little brother came into the room, and we mistook him for *cough*yermom*cough* and opened fire with beebee guns, close range. Little Loomis didn’t see Christmas :( I enjoy flying kites. I split into four versions of myself and play paintball two on two. I always win though. Idiots. I took it upon myself to quit being a little bitch, quit my job, and open my own business. It’s called the Rage Cage. You can check that shit. I implore you. I am apart of the most hailed music troupe, ‘Clock Town Lights’, in all of Hyrule. You may have heard of me. My alias is Zombie Squares. I kick ass. But you already knew that. You can also check that shit. Wikipedia. Nigga. It was called Tim, Eric, and Kro Tennyson 2099 until I left. I have been on various late night talk shows, but usually stay away from them. I don’t like wearing make up. I am Link. Not Zelda. They were like, eeeexxxxxcccccuuuuuuusssseeeee mmmmmmmeeeeee ppppprrrrrriiiiinnnnccceeesssss!! They were are all lames. I smashed their pottery, and smoked their marijuana. I ate a lot of food that day. I went drunk flying in my X-Wing with Peter Parker one night, and he had this insane idea to barrel roll out, and let it crash into Corneria. It was hella tight. I have dated Kojima. So what? It’s a guy thing. That reminds me, I don’t eat meat. I was supposed to play Pierce Brosnan’s character in LawnMower Man, but I got x’d at the last minute due to me being too “trill ass of a nigga”. Their words, not mine. Ashton Kutcher tried to punk me, I shot him in the dick. And the balls. The dick and the balls. And everyone there. We don’t talk to this day. If he’s reading this, I hope all is well :/ I can say a wookee is attractive, but, I wouldn’t fuck one. Well… Naw. Hmmm…. Maybe? I don’t know, now that I think about it…. Would you? I mean let’s seriously think about this.. Yeah, she will be hairy like a guy, but, she won’t have a penis. Hmm… But, how would you tell a guy from a girl? Grabbing what’s down there? Now I think I want to fuck one.. Or at least go on a journey to Kashyyk and grab crotch with the locals. I am totally changing my answer. I would have analcourse with a wookee. SIKE. Next. My favorite color is apple. Now hold your tongue and repeat that shit wicky wicky waaaaaahhhhh? I was also a DJ. DJ Kro Tennyson 2099, The DJ. You know what you can do? CHECK THAT SHIT. I keep the master sword on my wall. Not too many baddies around my area. Means more time for the sexxing. And I uber like that. I use Soul Glo for my hair. It gives it that nice supple look. I introduced Eddy Murphy to Charlie Murphy. At one point in my life, I was born. I mostly stay crunk off that blue potion. Those witches know how to spin those cauldrons! I have been known to steal. If I have stolen something from you. I needed it. If I didn’t need it, I threw it away. Get better shit. GFG. All your base are belong to me. Anyway, I steal. I have it boiled down to a friggin’ science, yo! All I do is grab what I want, act like I couldn’t care less about it, or like I am looking for my mom, and run crazy circles around the cashier. He doesn’t even notice me leave once I do it oh, say, ten times. Only downfault is I get electrocuted if I show my sexy ass back in that bitch. Haters. I know every lyric to the Wild, Wild, West from Will Smith f/ Sisqo & Kool Mo Dee. I FUCKING BET MY BOTTOM DOLLAR AND IMPLORE YOU TO CHECK THAT SHIT. I assumed Snakes identity like three games ago, hello, get with the program. I like the idea of Coca Cola more than actual product. I wear my blue tunic when not swimming. It confuses people. I wear a size fivteen pegasus boot, ladies ;) I am better than MeesoHorny at MGO. You can what? CHECK THAT SHIT. Did I mention I love Jim West? Desperado? Ruff Ryder? No? You don’t want nada? I was supposed to star as Jim West but they felt they had to pick Will Smith because Jim West is white. Makes sense I guess. But Cedric the Entertainer was in the Honeymooners! I KNOW RIGHT?! Hollywood.. Psshh. Niggas was all pussy. They black listed me because I was black. Was. I type three kajillion words a minute and can lift ten pounds over my head. But you don’t see me bragging about it all over your faceOOOHHH frittata. Motley Crue “borrowed” some of my lyrics. It’s cool. I’ll see you niggas around. I roll with Mr. Kro in his lowrider just you know.. kickin’ it. You know like, in the projects, where girls are in bikinis, and dudes can you know, just rap. Why the fuck would I want to live in Iowa for? Shit is stupid. I love the sexxin’. CHECK THAT SHIT. My day job is playing smear the queer with my little brother. My nighttime job is playing smear the dyke with my little brother. I hate that little fucker. I show him my dick on Skype. On a lighter side, did you hear about Linda from down the block? Mmmmmhmmmm girlfriend. She was all up and down the hallway with Pernell, Mhmmm, I could smell her KFC Double Down pussy on his breathe. If I was you, I would do something about that trick. I’m just saying. So, I pop birthday balloons with a slingshot. Unless it’s my birthday. First kid that does that gets a slug in his face. And his parents. And everyone including the ICP clown boysy boys and newsies with uzis naw no nudy with rudy. I don’t get naked with that kid. All because I can’t have witnesses. Why’d they go and fuck with my balloons in the first place. I need a new tattoo. I punched a guy so hard in the throat once, he swallowed his adams apple and sucked in his own wang and I got jumped by three guys who thought I was beating up a girl. Did you know you can cut somebodies body off? Just hold the dick, and slice. Billy Loomis answers cellular telephones no more. CHECK IT. I saw Bobby Dukes wipe. His ass with Lenny’s face >:D I hate Guitar Hero. Only because I shredded so hard they named a video game after me and didn’t pay me my shit. THE FUCK! WHERES MY RUPEES?! Click Clack Paddy Wack I got a nine for that ass. I am always zen. CHECK THAT FUCKING SHIT. I am very cute, japanese girls especially like me. If you like me, we should probably be sexxin’. Unless you are a guy wookee, in that case, Nikita missile to the noggin 8) *gleam across glasses* I came across your awesome site, and knew it wouldn’t be cool until I joined. No need to thank me. It’s what a hero does. So, I took the time out of my uber busy schedule of smashing pottery to grace you with my sexy, inky, self. Peep yo.


Kro Tennyson 2099 insists that the above story was written by his friend. But yes, he does have a Facebook account.

Oh and the tattoos? Here’s what they all are:
On the left arm: Master Sword, Hylian Shield, Sheikah Eye symbol, Power Bracelet,
On the right arm: Lukes Lightsaber from Ep6, Bionicles w/ infected tahu mask
On the right leg: Aku (Samurai Jack), ClockTown w/ moon (LoZ MM)

Posted in Tattoos, Video Games.

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One Response

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  1. Parkadude says

    That is the best thing I've ever read on the interwebs.